He used to be very kind, in his own crude way
He wasn’t always like I wanted him to be
He wasn’t smart. He wasn’t handsome either
But he thrilled me when he drilled me
and I never loved a monster quite like he…
— Thana Harris performing Frank Zappa’s Flambay

So, there you have it, the All Men are Pigs manifesto. For the men reading this book, my hope is to give you a better understanding and appreciation of your nature. Be proud to be a pig. As men, we shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for who we are.

Now that doesn’t mean we should indulge our natures and let them run wild. But we shouldn’t suppress them either. After all, those are the traits that women—deep down—love most about us. Now go have some fun. Use some of the lists and tools as a practical system to deepen your current relationships, form new, more fulfilling ones, or just get your rocks off.

If you’re a woman and you’ve read this book all the way to this point, you’re to be commended. You’re open-minded and interested in pleasing your man. You’ve probably read some stuff here that pissed you off, yet you continued to read.

Perhaps you will approach and think about your guy differently. I hope that you will be rewarded and enjoy far more satisfying relationships because you understand men, how they think, and how to ask for what you want in ways that even a pig can understand.

I said at the start this book is from a man’s perspective. I know some of the women who have made it to this point are probably gritting their teeth. Still, my hope is that you learned something you can apply to your relationships. Or not.

If not, consider a book written from a woman’s perspective. With luck and research, you’ll find one with thoughtful ways both men and women can relate to each other in more positive ways.

It’s impossible to deny the sexes are each hard-wired differently (say it again porker). This is a good thing. The wiring is complementary. It’s how we survived all of these tens of thousands of years hunting, gathering and building. All it will take is a modest breakdown in society (a very real possibility) to bring the necessity of these differences into plain view. Should we suffer a future long-term blackout in winter, we all will appreciate how good men are at splitting logs. And digging latrines.

Chalking up these differences to simple knuckle-dragging selfishness doesn’t make them go away. Denial of them only widens the distance between us and makes it harder for us to love each other.

Of course there will be lots of women who will squeal like stuck pigs at the suggestions presented here. That’s okay. We like pigs, even squealing ones.

You can even call us pigs if you wish. We don’t mind. Pigs are smart. Pigs are resourceful. Pigs are very popular. The movie Babe (story about a piglet that aspires to be a sheepdog) earned more than $250 million at the box office and was nominated for seven Academy Awards. That’s some serous ham and bacon.

Who doesn’t love bacon? Not that we will let you turn us into bacon. Well, maybe we will. For a BJTC. Oink oink.